We have been focusing on love for the last 50 years.
As psychologists, we studied More than 40,000 couples are about to start couples therapy. We’ve also been happily married for 35 years, so we know a thing or two about successful relationships.
For example, in a laboratory study, Predict with 94% accuracy whether a marriage will continue – after observing the couple for only 15 minutes. One of the biggest determining factors was how often a couple “returned” to their partner rather than “turned”.
No. 1 relationship hack: ‘It’s spinning right’
When a couple turns to each other, they respond to what we call “link offers”. Offers can range from small things like trying to get your attention by saying your name to big things like asking for deeper needs to be met.
The happiest couples are understanding enough to realize their partner is making a proposal and, if necessary, quit what they’re doing to keep busy.
Here’s an example: Your partner swipes on their phone and says, “Oh, that’s an interesting article.” (This link is a quote for.)
You can respond in one of three ways:
- Request front – Accepting them and participating in link building attempts: “Oh yes? About what?”
- Request turn back – Actively ignoring or not noticing connection attempts: You keep typing the email you’re working on while looking at your screen.
- Request turn against – Angrily or angrily stopping attachment attempts: “Can’t you see I’m trying to work?”
The act of turning creates a sense of love and teamwork that helps strengthen the foundation of a lasting relationship.
Of course, it is impossible to always turn to your partner. But in our lab study, couples who stayed together for at least six years turned to each other 86% of the time. Divorces were only 33% divorced.
How to practice turning in the right direction in your relationship?
If you feel like walking away from your relationship – don’t worry. Like turning a large ship, there may be a delay before the course correction you make really starts to show.
Turning the wheel a little, then a little more will work. Here are three ways to do it:
1. Up to 10-minute check-in.
Pick a time to meet with your partner when you can listen and aren’t rushing anywhere. It could be in the morning, while drinking coffee before work, or in the evening, after putting the kids to bed.
Ask them this simple question: “Do you need anything from me today?”
This gets your partner thinking about their needs and makes it clear that you want to be around them. It also gives them hope that if they point out what they need, you will try to respond positively.
Make a real effort to meet your partner’s needs, whether it’s “I need a break from the kids” or “I would love to have lunch with you”.
2. Get the pennies.
As you would see a coin or dollar bill on the street, consider every possible moment of connection or interaction as something valuable, even if it seems small or temporary. Coins are collected over time!
Watch out for these invitations to connect:
- Eye contact
- a smile
- And sigh
- Asking for your help or attention directly
- Saying “Good morning” or “Good night”
- ask a favor
- Reading something out loud to you: “Hey, listen to this…”
- Pointing at something: “Look at that!”
- Calling your name from another room
- looking sad or upset
- Carrying something physically heavy on their own
- look angry
3. Don’t give up just yet.
Your emotional availability will not always align exactly with your partner’s emotional availability. No problem. Here’s how to deal with it:
- When your partner makes an offer but you can’t interact – Do not ignore the request. Briefly explain why you are unavailable: “I would really like to hear this, but I have to. [X] at the moment. Can we talk about that after I finish my meeting?”
- When you make an offer and they don’t respond – If they miss a few of your offers, keep trying. But if it’s a pattern, specify: “I don’t want to be critical, but I was reaching out to you. What is happening to you right now that is preventing you from responding?” (They may be busy, stressed, or overwhelmed.)
- When an offer is made unfavorably – Your partner’s proposal can sometimes sound like they’re trying to start a fight (for example, “You wouldn’t have thought of making dinner tonight, would you?”). Ignore the negativity and respond to the deeper, secret offer: “I understand you’re nervous and tired. I’d be happy to prepare dinner and give you a break.”
These apps will help you if you’re dating and wondering what’s next, or if you’ve been married for 50 years. All you need is a willingness to try.
Dr. John and Julie Schwartz Gottman founders Gottman Institute and love lab. The two psychologists, who have been married for over 35 years, are world-renowned for their work on relationship stability and divorce prediction. They are also co-authors. “The Recipe for Love: Seven Days for More Intimacy, Connection and Joy” and “10 Principles of Effective Couples Therapy.” follow them Instagram and excitement.
Lamb Lamb He is an illustrator and designer based in Barcelona, Spain. He spends his time deconstructing and sampling ideas for creative entrepreneurs. It also teaches people around the world how to create visuals that are effective in their fields. visualbuyume.com. follow Ash excitement and Instagram.
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